“It’s better to fail in originality than to succeed in imitation.” -Herman Melville

It’s Better To Fail In Originality

An invisible existence walking through doors unseen yet heard. A mark left in all the aaa’s and bbb’a and a few cc’s back at ya.

Conditional me heart pumping the same blood as the anyone else yet still invisible

to life past the clean up crew.

My legacy complete in more than enough bucket list goals and conversational variety.

Bored by the flirty mr. rogers and temptations to ease loneliness left empty by its

cheap delight.

Motivation to stay put and watch all the events pass me bye

with no remembrance of my face but the echo of my words.

Conditional with running

the roads and wrapping taylor made gifts captured in… dries up photos.

Born too late

or too soon or fundamentally designed to be the life of the party until the buzzer

goes off.

Elderhood

to be better than i was

yet too tired to care much

and too fired up to stop fighting for what is right.

Wise stupid girl

showing up for everyone and resentful for the microwave meal for one

at the end of the day.

My programming set to defect that

leaves me one sided in all my relations with no time to

understand what happened.

not good enough

to be anyone’s anything beyond a stand in for applause in the sidelines and

I suffer in silence in hopes of not needing too much.

My conditioning to be

the statue outspoken for their amusement but

must calm down once i am off the stage.

Babysitter and

holiday

cook with a

quickie if he wants but never show you

want cuz

that wouldn’t be ladylike.

Females only hold masculine power

if the crown is bought first and etiquette to stay in my lane is

applied.

If i fall out of line

just once or always my punishment is more severe cuz

i am suppose to know better.

I have known better from day one

strandling tom boy to be picked for the team with a generic barbie doll in my hand.

Look pretty and say shocking things that entertains

the elite guests gazing proud at the preconscious

whipper snapper. Conditional hired help to volunteer each time

they ring the bell.

Aged out of

being surprisingly bold

in an instant old maid

surprisingly disruptive

to the business meeting restating the rules to make medium, not big or small waves.

Energy is for the youth and i did not pay my enrty fee to make the cut as taken

serious.

Aholly hobby now

urban legend that will most likely be told for centuries

and probably illustrated with a woman buried with her cats and

an enigma to be feared.

My legacy conditional on those who will tell my story through different lenses,

not person ever

knowing the truth, though the truth is the same ole story.

Conditional

to laying down a narrative for anyone to design and not

a thing i can do about it or want to correct.

I will be dead and no man has control over the headlines on the day the world blew up.

Encased in stone pompeii holding hands

with another lost souls who stopped in time to be together in a mystery for the tourist and cave dwellers

excavate.

A dusty gravestone

with the letters

faded to just L

,,,,,,,and a J who we name……. janelow or lady jewel dust.

A copper signpost to mark

the universal story of another invisible entity that we can only imagine

what life was like back then.

An conditional legacy given to an unconditional world and no control as to how

I will be remembered,,,,,, but luckily history only has two choices.

The hero or

the villainy

to entertain the new born

with the light

in their eyes to be the next spontaneous bold.

Conditional. angry glitter.

mad emotions feel bad

to feel a feeling to experience a flow other than the please please calm

mad emotions feel angry

to acknowledge a space to allow to experience a flow other than relaxx

mad emotions feel struggle

to a child locked up in being polite

mad emotion feels wrong

to an evolution meant to keep it all inside

mad emotion feels upset

to talk me out of a feeling of experience to put a lid on it before fired

mad emotion feels valid

to a teenager holding space for fairness on a cloudy day

mad emotions feels right

when i know what makes me angry in the direction of what makes me happy.

I officially disown my parents. i am not 16 and though if i knew then what i knew now i would have made it official then. Oh the wonder of a do over. Yes it may have been harder to find food and shelter but six of one. I emancipate my parents. From a place now of all grown up and take the power back for my 12 year little girl who was sexually violated and then sent out into the world to be glitter and gab. I emancipate my parents. I disown them officially. Though they already did it to me but i am taking my power back for my 7 year old little girl who was sexually violated and then sent out to tap dance ribbons all around the town. Showing off my perfectly pristine skin on my face and scabs on my legs. I emancipate my parents. no longer mom or day or mama or dadda or poppa or mammy or mother or father. I emancipate my parents for my college self who open up her world and loved with no limits but had no tether outside the grades, honor roll and omega society kissing whore but no boot knocking on my dorm board. I emancipate my parents for the young 20 year old pregnant and alone in a foreign country facing the decision of being a parent myself and trusting that with no family support it probably is not a good idea. I emancipate my parents on behalf of the baby that was in my belly that never had a chance and the sperm egg that could have been in future if not for terror of going back to plan B or the puke pill each morn like alarm clocks. I disown my parents because they were the oven, the activities director and the warden passing out punishment and rewards for the hazing of “life is not for suckers” and “I had it worse than you so how dare you cry when I pull your hair”. My adult Leah. Leah joy we’re so glad your not a boy. pot belly. scabby legs. eats like a truck driver. thinks she is so perfect. The orphan of my childhood. The abandonment of my adolescence and the exile of my grown up. In honor of myslef. Leah. leah joy we’re so glad your not a boy and all other parts of me for better or worse I Disown my parents. I have not parents. I have a sperm and egg donor named John and Ruthann. I had a gestation oven called Jppearson and Cookie Bachren. I have a heritage of german african and cherokee inherited from my incubators JohnDick and Ruthyoni…. i emancipate my parents. i should have done it long ago but as my parents always said “shoulda coulda woulda……….get over it…”

So after the work is done and the food is digested and the bathroom is cleaned and the money is made and the relatives are appeased what is the point?

After you meditate and affirm and vent and radically accept resistance and sing together songs what is the point?

After the good night kiss and the avoid the sex on the first date curse and the talk till the break of dawn is done what is the point?

When the music ends and the crickets come out and the heat is on and not a creature stirs what is the point?

So after the votes are counted and the push to fight is over and no stone left un turned what is the point?

After you die and do your life review and check off the mistakes, the lessons and the love gained and lost what is the point??