As I cross the threshold into my 40’s (still can’t believe it), I am in awe of all the adventures I have had and all the apartments, furniture, pets and cars that have come and gone.  The last few years have been a sometimes reluctant/sometimes deliberate shedding of things and more importantly people that no longer work for the future well-being of my life.  During this long short journey I, like many others, have had challenges in knowing the difference between normal human behavior and the unhealthy “cross the line” damage in relationships with friends, family and romantic partners.  So much of life is about trial and error when achieving personal lessons.  I have found that while I can’t always live by a set of rules or operate from a strict guidebook I can however, learn from another person’s experience in order to ease over the pitfalls that are sure to line the path.

Through extensive soul searching and many bad apples I have discovered my list of deal breakers when it comes to what energy I don’t want in my life.  While your list may be different and your level of importance to each item on that list may be varied, I wish to inspire you to spend some time pin pointing what your personal red flag behaviors are so that you can spend your life with the people who truly love and support you honestly and in the most healthy way possible.  Here are my top five in order of  1=  Run Forrest Run!  To  5=  Special occasions and holiday’s only:

1) Crazy makers
You know the type, the ones who try to convince you that the sun is purple and make you feel crazy when you say it is yellow.  This can be a difficult one to point out because these people tend to be so confident and self-assured in their convictions that you feel foolish even questioning them (think Donald Trump).  These red flags can also be so subtle that you don’t realize what is going on until days or even weeks later.  This behavior may require you developing a keen instinctive awareness to recognize, not only because the other person’s action can go under the radar but also because our own desire to be non-confrontational can override our own common sense.  I once had a friend invite me to go boating on the ocean and I, who openly admits to being geographically challenged, was a bit confused when we showed up to a river.  I sensed very clearly that my friend was offended by my ocean inquiries by the tell-tale eye roll and deflection from a concise understandable answer.  I sensed further annoyance from my continued curiosity through the smug and condescending tone, (yes ladies tone of voice is a valid evaluation tool), my friend used to convinced me that we were actually on the ocean. This left me feeling like an idiot for wondering about it in the first place.  His Jedi mind trick and my natural tenancy to avoid conflict influenced me to back away from getting clear about the facts on our exact location.  Crazy makers are the worse style of toxic friend because they have perfected the ability to make you feel unstable and they will never, if ever admit they are wrong or even attempt to come to the middle.  Needless to say I ran far far away from this person even though it took quite a few more episodes before I saw and trusted the signs.
2) I told you so’s
Ok so in any close relationship there will be times when we warn each other about impending doom, bad lovers or pyramid schemes.  That is what friends are for, to help you see things objectively and wake you up when you are about to step into trouble.  The chronic I told you so’ers are far from the voice of wisdom, in fact they are the obnoxious know it all’s who live to give you advice, overwhelm you and then pounce on you when the shit hits the fan.  They actually gain their glory through your apparent failure.  If you find yourself with a person who pulls the “I told you so” card, or statements of a similar vein on a regular basis, it is time to get clear about what this person’s true intentions are.
3) Beware of stranger’s bearing gifts
Every healthy relationship has a balance between giving and receiving.  Nobody wants to be bombarded by the calculator each time the waiter brings the check.  There is no such thing as perfectly even steven in a living breathing relationship because energy ebbs and flows; sometimes we will be the one giving more and other times we have to surrender and receive.  What matters most is that when one person gives, they are giving from the heart according their own free will and not out of pay back or obligation.  It does no good to get gifts and goodies when you know this person is going to use it to guilt you into always giving them a ride, constantly picking up products for them at the store or even spending time with them when you would rather be doing something else.  This can also present itself with your friend pointing out all the things they have done for you and making you feel bad or even evil when you exercise your right to say no.  True, a one sided relationship isn’t fair and it is perfectly reasonable for you or your friend to voice concern when this happens.  If the friendship is true and strong this can be easily negotiated but when there are always strings attached you are indeed a puppet.

4) The one upper
This is probably the most common one, though it can be so incredibly subtle that you may only know it is happening through a hunch of yucky feelings.  It tends to show up best when you and your friend are with a group of other people.  The topic of conversation happens to land upon a subject that you are passionate about and happen to be an expert on, or you possess the effervescent curiosity of an endearing child.  It is in these moments that your light shines the brightest until you notice your best friend’s energy sinking into a ball of insecurity and you find yourself shying away from the discussion in order to not outshine.  Since nobody will feel 100 percent secure all the time this does not necessarily pose a problem, though it is the time to pay special attention to the way they respond next.  The toxic friend will internally blame you for their feeling of inadequacy and try and one up you by interrupting, ignoring or undermine your expertise or curiosity by pulling focus to themselves and away from the threat which is you.  They can sometimes throw in a sarcastic joke questioning your intelligence or come out with their college dissertation on a completely unrelated subject.  Sarcasm (any teasing that hurts or attacks your dignity) is a major red flag.  I had experienced this regularly with some former work friends (I admit I participated on each side), and found it extremely hard to walk away without feeling left out or left behind from promotions and work place comradeship.  The benefits you gain from being part of the so called “team” come at a huge cost to your self-esteem and self-respect so politely bow out.

5) The Jhonny come lately’s, Chronic name callers and the fix me uppers.
This is a toss-up and they all deserve equal billing.  These behaviors will make me raise an eyebrow and may cause me to keep a safe distance but not necessarily have me vote them off the island.
Jhonny come lately’s are the ones who are always running late or cancelling, usually at the last minute.  You can never make any plans around them because it is impossible to pin them down.  Now facebook had a clever article lately saying that these people are just optimist who value themselves and life so much that they forget about time; which may in fact be true but their optimism is causing me pessimism and negativity while I am reheating their dinner for the 5th time in two hours.  My time is valuable too and I want a friend who can be respectful on both ends.
Chronic name callers are the ones who get mad or irritated and think nothing of saying things like “are you blind; and idiot; naive; two-footed.. etc etc…” We usually chalk it up to their quirky personality and just the way they are.  They may be harmless and non-threatening but it is unnecessary behavior that serves no good purpose.
Fix me uppers are the ones who bring me out shopping, ridicule my awful sense of style and put me in 5 inch stiletto heels (Anyone who knows me will get how ridiculous this is).  Hey I love a good make over from a friend who has got it going on but when everything I do, say or wear is somehow “weird” “sloppy” or “inappropriate” then maybe they just get their kicks by picking on me.

Now that you have identified the signs the next step is doing something about it that if you are lucky, won’t end in explosion.  The bottom line in eliminating toxic relationships is by being fully honest with your feelings, to yourself first and then to them, each and every time something comes up that you suspect may be devaluing your humanity.  No person is perfect and needs to be all loving and aware at all times so you can start by approaching your friend with an open yet protected heart that will allow you the space to expect a productive and mature conversation.

We are each others best teachers in how to treat one another and the only way to change bad behavior is by being told that something that we are doing is hurting the relationship.  If the person has some ability to listen and communicate about clear cut solutions that they can commit to, then there is very little that cannot be forgiven and forgotten.  A true friend will welcome the growth opportunity and you may find they have a few things to say to you as well, laying a foundation of mutual growth.  You may be surprised by your own toxic behaviors that they have not been sharing with you.  As long as they are not acting out of spite or retaliation give yourself permission to guide them by being an example of effective conflict resolution.

If the person refuses to hear what you have to say and is not willing to stop what they are doing let this be your Ultimate red flag in comfortably saying goodbye, either forever or until they are able to negotiate a compromise.  Let go of your fear of the fall out, sometimes we need to clean out the old before something new and better can take its place.  I can’t say that it is easy to eliminate toxic friends from your life, you may have to face being alone for a while as well as facing your own inner beliefs that drew these people to you.  Embrace this loneliness.  I promise you the clearing that will happen during this time, if used wisely, will bring you closer to who you are and what you truly need.  Every person who you allow to enter your life after that point will be there to uplift you, and you in turn will have the energy to do the same for them.  You deserve it and so do they. Have faith….

Take me to your time machine
the magical mystery portal and look into the soft light that separates our experience by a string and replays all our relations in the form of a face.
Spin your Tasmanian turbulence into a web capturing the silk of validation attached to a warped perspective.
Resist, rebel and restate the true nature of trust floating on a dotted dime wishing for a different outcome beyond separation.
Grow apart from the cabin fever propelling rock formations up to the dessert sky and rain down liberty lifted from the battle wounds sourced from an unknown place.
Replace me for your conflict hiding in the thick thin of my skin
Smile beyond belief shining teeth so spotless that the glow of your lies bounce off the back of my laugh.
Voodoo spells don’t win me over no matter the intention in which they sit, satisfied, justified, beautified.. I correct your own good for my own sake in the best interest of all that the buck stops with.
Uninvited to be in my presence when the present goes against the expectation laid on high down the drain shame rejected in the space of love broken with a STOP
being who you are unless your R supports my R and is mutually agreed upon. Sistermom does suffer the role described by the box above the mantle stimulating our eyes in subtle recognition with little forgiveness for the real thing.
Look under the covers to witness the bed is made, the chores are done, delegate inside to the capable trail
blazing in the sky
towards the decade left behind
fogging up the mirror set seated shotgun boldfaced, out grown
and rectified to the angry core delivered equally among generations of ageless communion stinging a growth set among independent beauty.  The kind not spoken so setting the sun forced forward with graceness shaking systems to run.

I consider myself a novice environmentalist with a dream of one day holding the title of hard core green goddess, though after a long hard look at myself, I found some, let’s say, mis-alignments and inconsistencies that have been a wee bit hard to admit. These inconsistencies have sat me in a place of guilt and shame at times. I have a strong vision of a world, or community for that matter, where the water is clean, the air is fresh, the food is real and the land is lush. Reality shows that pollution is common, food is modified, concrete and cartoon grass is all around us and I’ve come across lakes, ponds and rivers that carry the un-posted sign of “enter at your own risk”. The drought in California has increased the pressure I put on myself to save the world through recycling.

I feel the need to call myself out on my own personal hypocrisy because I know that there are others out there like me — well-intentioned, conscientious people who want to make a real difference in this world but find themselves faced day after day with the common convenience of life made disposable. George Carlin built a whole hilarious act around our fear of plastic. I laughed at the image of myself going on plastic patrol throughout my daily interactions with people. I even started a petition to get plastic bags banned from our local super markets. I thought this undertaking would be easy given the fact that I have a large network of tree hugging friends who only had to click on a “sign here” button through their facebook page. Sadly I only got 20 people to sign up. It was the beginning of a year long journey of introspection on my own “talk the talk” but not so sure if I was truly walking the walk. I discovered that I am absolutely crawling the crawl and that is an ok place to be in the middle of what I know is a life long journey.

A profound understanding of the importance of baby, yet necessary, steps when approaching any expression of values has allowed me to maintain my optimism in a world that seems to be crumbling before me. Trying to jump in full force with both feet, dragging others into the well with me has not only led me to stress, but has uncovered hidden judgement, above said guilt and universal shame each time I see someone double cupping their coffee or running their car motor for hours in the shopping center parking lot; or worse when I forget my reusable bags (sacrilege). It can be pretty overwhelming when you truly dissect all of the harmful ways we treat the earth each day. We have beautifully structured everything in our lives to offer us the most conveniences in order to work more and provide a better life for our families; however the means in which we do so has created an atmosphere that will end up suffocating us and therefore negating the very “Better” life in which we have worked so hard to achieve.

I always marvel at the fact that we humans are as healthy as we are, considering the lifestyle we lead. Car emissions, cleaning chemicals, GMO foods, lawn treatments, bug repellants, chemical fertilizers, pesticides, plastics plastics and more plastics, and chemical medications. This list does not even scratch the surface. The things we do as individuals are enough to make me start coughing right now, not to mention what we do as businesses, corporations and nations. The solution, or at least the clearing at which we can come to terms with what is individually possible, is to inspire the choir and raise our game as well as forgive ourselves when we do fall short. It is on us as vocalists of this choir because I have found that trying to preach to someone who has dismissed climate change or are passive on the impact we have on the environment seems to create more resistance and back lash. That backlash ends up undermining the very cause in which we are all participating in. So that said, note to all those haters, deniers and resisters this is not the article for you. As Whoopi Goldberg said in her southern character drawl “walk away walk away!”

During my brief years working in education, I ran the environmental club. My focus was on educating the children and staff on The 4 R’s, Reduce, Reuse, Repurpose (or Compost) and Recycle. I raised money to rid the cafeteria of styrofoam plates and encouraged students to bring their own utensils. I also provided money to convert most of the highly toxic cleaning chemicals into ones that would instead support brain function and therefore help students learn better. I would then end the year with a big earth day celebration consisting of songs and events that connected people to nature and the power of the great outdoors. Great great great, I patted myself on the back thinking that I had started a revolution in this small, affluent Connecticut town. Then came the unexpected backlash from a senior staff member who secretly did not approve of all this ‘environment propaganda’. During a school vacation the bio-degradable products suddenly stopped being ordered, the recycling was directed to be thrown out and support for ongoing projects went on deaf ears. It was as if the very excitement and motivation I had towards the progress being made was the very fuel that spurred her agitation.

This woman was not evil or bad and in fact I liked her very much. She was a dedicated teacher and I saw the sincere effort she made to accept my ideas; however there was something fundamental about this issue that compelled her to push back. I found this to be so baffling and extremely fascinating since I also saw this being played out politically in the news each day. I call it the play entitled “The Criers and the Deniers” and now I had a direct experience (guess which part I played). Discouragement entered my door and I desperately wanted to find work in a place where my moral issues matched the business’ bottom line. I logically moved into the health food industry. “Perfect”, I thought since health and well-being was for sale, naturally the environment would be woven into fabric of the field itself. Surprisingly, my efforts once again faced resistance, not nearly as much as before, but more than I ever would have anticipated. Boxes and boxes of products delivered with foam peanuts, multiple varieties of items wrapped within layers and layers of plastic packaging, enormous amounts of food and supplements thrown into the trash, harsh cleaning chemicals and many other daily happenings that clearly would not make the average person bat an eye, yet would undeniably make a sensitive person like me shudder. A step up from business as usual though still compelling enough to force me to ask the questions, “Are we giving this the priority it deserves?” and “What is fundamentally driving this complacency?”
From my perspective, it is a no brainer. We live on earth. Earth provides trees, plants, animals, water and oxygen. We need trees and oxygen to breath. We need plants and animals to grow and we need water to survive. Protect the earth and we protect ourselves. Logical right? I understood the why at the school; that was not their focus; the job is academic education not healthy planet education; a means to an end; a place to socialize; a way to pay the bills etc. I also understand why oil companies, Monsanto and cattle farmers don’t care, but what is keeping the average citizens from doing something? What is keeping those who profess to be the change from living up to this promise? Many of us are under the illusion that if we are merely recycling then we are solving the problem, though no one posted the memo that the energy it takes to recycle is tremendous, for start just think about the gas it takes to power the trucks. Those blue cans will hardly create a paradigm shift in the consciousness nor would it qualify to enlighten the fresh young teenage employees and college graduates who would soon be setting off to make their mark in the world.

Discouragement, discouragement, and more discouragement. Money? Greed? Fear? Convenience? There I was again asking the why and coming up against some very ugly truths that may answer my query best. I decided the only way to peace was to start to acknowledge and address these matters within myself to see if it rings true in my own participation in the mess. I struggle with this reality each and every day over a cup of coffee or shall I say as I reach for my cup of coffee from the company Keurig machine. The dreaded Keurig is today’s Green nightmare in the same way that the SUV was yesterday’s. While I do my best to buy the bio-degradable cups I find some days the crippling ghost of convenience prevents me from doing so, or the ugly reality of greed keeps me from passing on the free temptation at the bank or doctor’s office. The voice of fear echoes to me “If the sky were raining dollar bills I would have no problem buying everything organic, grass fed, local, glass container, bamboo packaging and beaver butt free”. Multiply my inner ignorance by the billions of people on the planet and bingo you have a landfill overflowing with cafeteria utensils and the Gulf of Mexico coated with oil. Al Gore coined the term an “inconvenient truth” and I’m going to amend it to an “Inconvenient excuse”. It is very real for me to take pause since I live paycheck to paycheck, am overwhelmed by life and weighed down by pain and depression. So we convince ourselves so powerfully that we can’t afford it and it doesn’t really matter therefore making self-fulfilling magic become true.

Even those who do have the finances, time and health make these excuses.  They all are well intentioned, politically active citizens who diligently sign petitions to strengthen the EPA, stop the drilling for oil, expose the dangerous truth behind fracking and educate people on how factory farms created anti-biotic resistant super bugs. As proactive as they are politically, time and time again they forget to apply this same passion at the supermarket, department store and restaurants, home and workplace. A gap we share in wanting a movement to happen and putting our money where our mouth is. Yes government needs to be the voice for the vulnerable and stand up to the single minded profit monsters that clear out rainforest and remove mountain tops; however we individuals must take care of our day to day operations.

During the election I had a magnifying conversation with one of my self-declared refuse to vote friends. This person was so angry at the financial crisis he declared how there has to be mutiny in the street and that we all should take a stand. I politely informed him that at that very moment a movement was and had been happening with Occupy Wall Street. Unless I misunderstood what he said, I assumed he meant that we should all take a stand if the movement took place on his very street, knocked on his door, and dragged him out of the house and forced him to participate. I often think what it would be like if we all had to store our garbage on our own property. The toys, electronics, batteries, paint, pens, diapers, you are getting the point right?

So what is the answer? In my exploration I’ve come up with several answers for myself; the awareness that we are stewards of the earth and we have an opportunity to heal, nurture and care for her. Then awareness of what we consume each day and how each and every one of those items make an impact. Last, awareness of our personal power to shift our behaviors and stand face to face with the reality that we all have greed, fear and ignorance that tries to stop us from being walking, skipping and running examples for massive change. We all do not have to participate in marches, or be a member of Greenpeace, but we can allow ourselves to grow and evolve each day to align with our core values and encourage each of us to do the same.

I have had numerous conversations with people who are legitimately struggling, feeling overwhelmed by all the choices and truly don’t know where to start. I am quick to admit to all the ways I have “failed” to reach my expectations but we must move beyond those pesky internal roadblocks and find the courage to go against the conventional.  It may not feel good in the beginning but do not give in or give up and always remember a little bit goes a long way.

How do I start you ask? I am so impressed by you right now and I will share some ways that, I promise, are not threatening and will not make you feel like you are being deprived the joys of life. One by one I began replacing things in my life that I knew in my heart was not as nature intended. Food to me was the logical beginning, though you may choose differently. Eating organic and preferably local has a monumental effect on the eco-system and I changed my habits a small percentage at a time. For the money fear that I see creeping up in you think instead about the vast costs in our tax money to treat contaminated water, clean toxic sewage, and the money spent on treating and insuring unhealthy men, woman and children. You are creating compounded interest for you, your kids, grandkids, nieces, nephews, grand dogs and grand cats and, well you get my drift. Start by making 10-25% of your groceries be of the type that does not deplete the top soil, expose migrant workers to cancerous herbicides and just plain tasted better. I have gradually increased my own supply to 50-75% (starting with the dirty dozen and eventually adding in grass fed beef and free range poultry). Next I moved on to converting to glass and cardboard packaging, non-chemical beauty supplies and then to environmentally safe (read labels please) cleaning products. All with the same percentage progression. I give myself a break when I am eating out while being mindful that I am heading in the direction to also make that change. My golden Grammy goal is to have a fully electric/solar car (and a society with the infrastructure to support it) and fully sustainable eco-house in a neighborhood that has woodland walkways, efficient public transit and real bike lanes (not the LA parking space type).

In the meantime, as we all catch up with our true power; I will continue to carry my reusable coffee and water cup. I promise to bring my own utensil to work or when I do forget I will save the plastic ware in my purse for another outing. I shall march on with the obvious, necessary and overstated-savior that is recycling and I bow to the gospel of composting. Give me props when you see me with my car turned car off in the long line at the gas station. I invite you to throw me a friendly wave at the Dunkin D’s drive-through if you hear me asking for a non-Styrofoam latte cup (yes they do that for regular java). And please please give me an encouraging smile at the restaurant when I overcome that cardinal sin which plagues most woman. The awful, terrible affliction that has been passed down from generation to generation. All mother’s sister’s and some men’s worse nightmare; that which is (brace yourself)…….The fear of appearing both….. ‘Annoying’ ….and much much worse (do I dare) and to be a…… ‘Bother’…… by asking my waiter for a fully biodegradable aluminum container with a low carbon footprint cardboard lid for my “American style home cooked meal,” the all mighty left overs!

So breath people……… breathe. I feel your heart beating heavily and I must remind you that I have been a work in progress for over ten years and I have days when I just don’t have the energy to care. There is no final destination just an honest approach and full acknowledgement that this is happening now. To the silent secret voice of opposition I acknowledge that a meteorite can hit our planet tomorrow and that Mother Nature’s mind can never be fully comprehended, but you and I must remind that voice over and over again that we are not self-gratifying children so there is no longer a need to act like one. We can now use our brains and see that if it kills weeds, roaches and wasps it will also kill babies (yup, left me no choice). I will, as I mentioned earlier, continue to go deep within myself to dig out all of the muck that is my hypocrisy and balance that with regularly giving myself a break when I am hanging out with my hippydippy woowoogranola super-duper wind turbine, solar panel conscious friends who make it all seem so easy and effortless. I ask you to do the same! So pep rally those who are stuck in the illusion of defeat cowering in the shadow of the American buffalo and next time you find yourself heading to the mall opt instead for Goodwill, salvation army, your local consignment or thrift store. Hey, rich people have to rid their designer prizes somewhere and your financial savings will create a symbiotic healing between you and the Mighty Mother that brought you here. Happy Earth day and makes this day your “New Year’s resolution”. Peace pachamama. Gaia. Terra Mater. Magna Dea. Dagan. Faunus. Kai. Mankato. Rhea. Wakan Tanka…And so it IS

Why I sell out……to survive
…..Pay the bills
Feed my belly when it growls
Squint your eyes and gaze into the expansion piled before me
Foaming with the turbulent tide of the under-toe
Vibrating for maybe more
Smoking high adventures in silky jammies binding the prisoner
To the pink padded cell block wired with leaders, teachers and warlords
Nit-pick critiquing your vulnerability till you fit the mold they provide.
Wage counting and noticing every peanut thrown my way in a ball of
Chump change on the night stand. Phone tap I see you watching me locked away in nonsensical surveillance to keep me in my robotic place I was hired to be.
Downton style hierarchy shedding its skin onto the dirty floor
Shining brightly in the silver spoon reflecting the florescent, bur bur, cubby of monotony in the mind.
Spilling the gossip juice uniting us artificially into smiling submission of Gods and Goddess programing the herd to Jump when I say “Time to lean”  Y’es sir my urine is on the table…. Clean as a Whistle
And ready to watch the time clock shift the beat of the bio-rhythms
………..and hold the breath till
I rise and rise and rise to see it another way.
Trickle out love to respect the joint inheritance of collaboration
I support your vision
Would you support mine
Lift the light of one and All are sure to follow
Peer into my eyes and see how much you know of the puzzle connecting us to one another
The vacuum is not just for cleaning
a mission beyond money that breads prosperity
in its irony I fail to grasp
while being pushed to see its value and spread its gospel
Singing in any way shape or form to be heard by my own disbelief.
Removing the sticky tape placed on me
by the society
Within
Myself.